Got a Million of ‘Em

Posted by on December 18th, 2009 at 8:26 AM

Tiger Woods is coming into a well-deserved tsunami of ridicule in the funnies. In Doonesbury (December 15), Roland Hedley reports that the “confirmed mistresses” of Tiger Woods, numbering, doubtless, in the hundreds of thousands, have voted to unionize, LiveNation is in talks to package them as “Tiger’s Magical Mistress Tour,” and “comedy writers fear layoffs as nearly 2,000 Tiger jokes write themselves.” And that’s just one day’s Doonesbury: cartoonist Garry Trudeau spent the whole week on the topic. Meanwhile, down the page at Darrin Bell’s Candorville, a Mr. Gold approaches Susan Garcia at the ad agency with a plan to market a CD entitled Jokes about Tiger Woods Cheating on His Wife. The next day in Doonesbury, Hedley rattles on, speculating that since all the women Woods dates are “nocturnal hospitality workers” who sleep all day long, they must be vampires—a likelihood confirmed in Hedley’s so-called mind by Woods’ being one of golf’s “immortals.” But at the last moment, Fox News is “unable to confirm that vampires exist.”

And Jay Leno’s writers, still, for the moment, employed, found this one writing itself:  “John Edwards bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump–start the housing market like that.”

Over at Beetle Bailey, another kind of current event rises to the top. Sarge wonders how his crew likes the new HDTV he got for them, to which they respond variously: “Great! I can see every hair in Donald Trump’s combover.” “I can count Ophrah’s eyelashes.” “I didn’t know Madonna had freckles.” The problem of seeing more than you can tolerate can be solved, though, by the simple expedient of postponing indefinitely the renewal of your eyeglasses prescription. You have a “better” picture on the tube, and you save money!

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