They Finally Noticed, Wally Wood

Posted by on December 8th, 2009 at 6:22 PM

If I ever write a DC comic, I’m going to include a scene where someone asks Power Girl why she has that hole in her costume, and she says, “Because I’ve got giant tits and my gay friends think it’s hilarious.”

I hate comics where superheroines explain how their stupid costumes are secretly empowering.  I hate them even more than superhero rape scenes and comics where Batman and Superman monologue in caption boxes about how much they love each other.  It’s just so insulting to the readers’ intelligence, and it’s not like I have a high estimation of the intelligence of comic-book readers.

We all know the costumes are sexist and impractical.  We have eyes.  Either draw the characters in costumes that make sense (this never works; you’ll just get taken off the book and replaced with someone who will put Black Canary back in fishnets) or accept that this all takes place in a fantasy universe where the normal laws don’t apply and women dig air-conditioned tits.

Just let it happen.

I’m not just bitching about the recent Jen Van Meter-scripted JSA comic where Power Girl scolds female readers for criticizing her costume, although I expect better dialogue from a good writer and fellow Vassar girl.  I’m also bitching about Geoff Johns making Power Girl claim, a while back, that she cut the hole in her costume to symbolize her search for identity.  Right.   And whoever had Huntress say she wore a midriff-baring outfit to defy the people who had recently shot her in the gut.  (You know how I’d defy them?  Some of that nice, protective body armor Batman wears.  Maybe the version without nipples.)

Again, I’m not criticizing the costumes.  I’m criticizing these mealy-mouthed efforts to pretend the costumes aren’t what they are.  Why do we try to force this stuff to fit our boring Earth logic?  Porn movies don’t pause for a monologue about why the TV repairman forgot his pants.

I like Power Girl.  I’m not sure why, since she has no consistent personality and none of her twenty thousand backstories make any sense, but she seems like a fun gal.  It probably has a lot to do with the drawings of her by Amanda Conner, who makes her look slightly drunk all the time.  I even like her costume.  People spend so much time obsessing over the boob window that they never mention the awesomest part of Power Girl’s costume: the little Captain Marvel cape.  That thing kills me.

Plus I’ve got a soft spot for the power hitters in the superheroine roster; She-Hulk is another of my favorites.  They’ve got big tits.  They fuck and fight.  It’s great stuff.  Please don’t ruin it by trying to give it some serious justification.

Or take a cue from Adam Warren’s hilarious Empowered, a comic that has no end of fun with the emptiness of this “empowering” crap, with no end of amazing bubble asses.  Sobering thought: Adam Warren could, at any time he chooses, be the greatest comic artist in the world.  He’s just kind of lazy and would prefer to draw hot girls in bondage at cons.  In the balance of things, that’s probably better for all of us.

One more thing: why has there never been a comic where the Sub-Mariner explains his fish panties?

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4 Responses to “They Finally Noticed, Wally Wood”

  1. Noah Berlatsky says:

    “They fuck and fight.”

    Only in the fan-fiction.

  2. Michael Nicolai says:

    Huh. That is a nice cape.

    Attention Adam Warren: The comics world needs you. Now, more than ever.
    (although I suppose it’s a question of whether he needs us…)

  3. I don’t know if it’s the same thing, but:

    I like Namor even though his fish panties make me feel eyes-straight-ahead uncomfortable.

  4. RWB says:

    I would like to see Power Girl in a ultra-destructive fight with a supervillain during which they chatter on endlessly, as is done in superhero fights, but the villain keeps staring at the boob window and losing his train of thought. Would Power Girl say, hey Sinestro, my eyes are up here! Or is her cleavage one of her powers?